Those Six Words
by GeorgieDanosaur
Summary: Just a sad little danisnotonfire one shot I wrote. Could possibly be triggering, not sure! Enjoy!


I wander around the empty apartment, aimlessly tidying away things that need not be tidied just to occupy my time before sleep overwhelms me once more. This is how it's been since it happened, almost four years now. Four years of nothing. My body is merely an empty shell of what once was. I try to spend as much time as possible inside, everything outside reminding me of him. I see the sky, the bluest blue, just like his eyes. A smile, something he did a lot. If only I saw the pain through his smile, the tears behind the skin of blue in his eyes. Friends have been and gone, now not even bothering. I don't want my life to be like this. I look at my bedside desk, my phone that I haven't bothered to charge up since it happened. My laptop that seems pointless to me now. A bunch of keys, infested with key rings that /he/ bought me. My bed, messy and unmade. His bed, still in pristine condition, his table collecting dust, drawers still full of clothes that haven't been moved. I've not the heart to alter one single thing. Every time I go in here, I want to take his cuddly toys, lie on his bed and remember. But instead, I sit in the centre of his room and reminisce about all the times we shared. I spot the cuddly toy on the corner of his bed, and remember how he got it.

*Flashback*  
"Look how cute that pony is!" He says to me, giggling at the crane machine.  
"Well then, I know what I'm spending £100 on. You know these machines are rigged, right?" He gives me the sad, puppy dog eyes, and I can't resist.  
"Fiiiine!" I sigh, and he claps. I put a pound coin into the machine and twiddle some levers around.  
"Aw dang, I didn't get it, lets go" he stays, still and unmoving, refusing to leave.  
"You shit. Fine fine fine" I put another pound in, and still, the pony stays. I want to leave, play some DDR or something, but I have a feeling that he's not going to give up so easily, so I put another pound coin in. And another. And another. And twelve pounds later, on what we agreed was my last pound, the pony is lifted by its torso, dragged through the air and dropped into the box that I can collect it from.  
"Yay!" He giggles childishly, pulling me into a hug and retrieving the blue pony from the box. His eyes were so happy, so full of life, how was I to know how he really felt?

*end flashback*

I open my laptop for the first time since it happened. Four years worth of tweets, facebooks, comments on YouTube. All telling me how much they miss him. I remember seeing his video on my home feed. I remember clicking on it, I remember watching it,  
I remember crying at it. I remember the same night.

*Flashback*  
The wind blew through my hair, tickling me like a fairies whisper. The sky was dark, not a star in sight. It was a bland night, cars driving below me, the London rush hour starting. It was 6pm on a cold November night, and the crisp air was calming. But calming wasn't what I needed. Release was what I needed. I look down into the street below me. Nobody looked up. Nobody gave a second look to the boy on the top of a fifteen storey building, standing on the edge. His words in my head were twisted. A simple "I'm sorry, Dan" turning into "it's all your fault, Dan" and it was. I was just too blind to see. I should have noticed. He was in love with me, and I was so oblivious. I was bringing back boys left right and centre, when the boy who I should have been with was just in the next room. But it took me too long to figure this out. I shouldn't have ignored the sobbing I would hear at three am, I shouldn't have gone away when he told me to, I shouldn't have looked past the tweets he posted that hinted that he may be feeling this way. I knew the fans were worried, but I looked past it, brushing it off as an inevitable death tweet. I post them more frequently than he does, whenever existential crisis sets in, that's all I thought it was. But that's not all it was. The video confirmed that much. He explained to the fans how he was feeling without even shedding a tear. How can he come across so strong, when he's so broken inside? My foot slides forward, getting ready to end it all. Just fall, let the wind take you, and it will all be over-  
"what do you think you're doing?" I turn around to see my friend, stood meters away from me. He looks awful. His face is red and blotchy, his green eyes clouded. He's clearly been crying.  
"No. It's my fault, and I can't live with that guilt. I have to go. I have to" and I break down again, ugly sobs escaping my lips. I rock slowly back and forth and he walks slowly towards me. He puts his arm on my shoulder, allowing me to cry into his chest. He rubs my back soothingly, and my sobs subside.  
"C'mon mate, let's go inside. And promise me, you won't do anything like this again?"  
"I'll try"

*end flashback*

I close the laptop and throw it across the room, watching it snap, but not caring. I don't need it. I remember panicking after watching it and rushing into his en suite.

*Flashback*

I pushed the laptop off my lap and ran into his bedroom. When he is nowhere to be seen, I leap into the adjoining bathroom. I'm almost sick at the sight there. A lifeless body is on the floor. The words "I'm sorry" are carved into his arm, and he has an empty bottle in his hands. His chest is stiff and unmoving, and that just confirms that it's too late for him. He's already gone, and there's nothing I can do. I break down, sobbing into his still chest, looking into his eyes one last time. My fingers brush over his face, closing his eyes. Somehow, that makes this less painful. He just looks like he's asleep. He looks calm, serene.  
"It's my fault. I'm sorry" I sob into his chest.  
"I'm sorry"

*end flashback*

The guilt still resides within me. No matter how much I try and tell myself to let go, I can't. I killed my best friend, how can I live with that? I can't. I've tried many times to end it all, but my friends were always around to stop me. But nobody is around any more. How will I say goodbye? I could make a video, like he did, but I haven't made one in four years, how will people react? I've probably lost a large portion of my subscribers, who will actually watch it?  
I could write a note, but I've never been much into the Cliché. A tweet? No, too insensitive. I'll say goodbye to everyone personally. Only I won't tell them it's goodbye. My phone sits, unused and dusty, on my bedside table, so I plug it into it's charger. It takes a couple of hours, but it finally starts to work. I'm instantly greeted with a picture of him and I from 2013. This picture was taken two weeks before it happened. We were wearing our matching pacman shirts and pulling funny faces, it was just after we'd finished our job on the radio. I typed it my passcode, 7445*. I'm amazed that I still remember it. It runs slowly, after four years of being unused, but it's fine. I'm not in any rush. Finally, I get onto my contacts, and phone one number.  
"Dan? Hi!" His voice chimes happily. But is he really happy? I've realised how much I let my guard down before he died. Now I just have to bring it back up.  
"Hi- listen. I'm feeling like going out for a drink. Want to go out for a bit this evening?"  
"Oh!" He sounds truly shocked and a bit confused, and for good reason. I mean, I haven't spoken to him for about six months, and I haven't turned my phone on in four years, so why would I be ringing him, asking him to grab a drink?  
"Uh...I mean yeah...great! I'll be at yours about six okay?" I smile. I missed my friend.  
"Uh, yeah! Bye bye" I hang up and turn my phone off before O2 manages to catch up to the four years worth of texts I haven't seen. I look at my watch. Four thirty. Only another few hours and I can be gone. This whole life can be left behind. The numbness that resides within me will be gone.

*six pm*  
I drag my body upwards and towards the door. I managed to pull myself into my old black skinnies and a shirt which are both alarmingly loose. It only settles in now how I've been avoiding meals, the hunger just another side effect of the guilt. I'll make a point to eat a nice big meal tonight, I need my friend to think I'm better.  
"Hi!" He chirps happily. I force a smile.  
"Alright? Lets go!"  
"I asked my boyfriend to come along with me, I hope that's alright!" He asks me. I nod slowly, not saying anything, and lock my front door.  
"His name is Chris. He's real nice, I'm sure you'll like him!" I could tell by his voice that he was worried.  
"Peej, I'm not five years old or a mass murderer" I say. My voice wavers a bit at the word 'murderer', but I swallow back feelings, keeping my head held high. He relaxes.  
"So, uh, why did you feel like coming out tonight?" I press the button and the lift doors open. We stand together awkwardly, with me twiddling my thumbs, hoping I could just ignore the question and he'll drop it. No such luck.  
"Hellooooo? Why are you ignoring me? You look dead to the world!" He laughs, before realising what he's said and clapping his hand over his mouth.  
"Jesus Christ, stop worrying! I'm still the same person I was four years ago, you can joke around me you know!" His hand drops to his side.  
"Then answer my question. It's rude to ignore someone you know!"  
"I just wanted to see my friend, that okay?" I bite back at him.  
"I'm sorry, Peej" he shrugs. The lift jolts to a stop and the doors open, and we make our way to the pub just round the corner.  
"Hi Chris!" He greets a tall, handsome boy at the door of the pub, then introduces me.  
"Nice to meet you. PJ has told me a lot about you!" He shakes my hand, then glances at PJ.  
"I'm fine, honestly. I know what Peej has told you, you don't need to tiptoe around the subject" why is everyone always so tense around me? We walk inside and get a table, and PJ goes to get some drinks.  
"So, Dan! PJ tells me you used to make YouTube videos like he does. I make them too!"  
"Yeah I used to, I kinda lost the will after...anyway that's cool. What kind of videos?"  
"Oh, comedy videos! A lot of my friends are youtubers too, that's how I met PJ" he made videos.  
"Can I watch some of your videos?" I ask him.  
"Uh...I'm sorry, I uh...oh hey Peej!" Why is he being so tetchy? PJ hands me my coke and we sit there drinking, the silence at the table getting really awkward.  
"So how come you never got a new roommate?" Chris asks me curiously.  
"Oh yeah lemme just go to tesco and pick one up. 'Yes hello Tesco? Yeah I'd like a roommate please but make sure he's got floppy brown hair and blue eyes, he needs to be as amazing as my last one!'" I stand up.  
"I'm going now, bye guys" I leave the pub and make my way down the road that I had been walking up not ten minutes ago. I take the lift to the top floor, then take the stairs up to the roof. I stand on the edge, just as I was that night four years ago, looking down into the busy streets below. Would any of them even care? The cool breeze pushes me closer and closer until I'm so close. Just thinking about the fact that soon, we would be re-united is enough to make me put one leg forward-  
"Excuse me?" I hear a voice behind me and I spin round exasperatedly to come face to face with him. His blue eyes, his slightly lopsided mouth, his fringe that falls into his eyes. But he looks younger. His hair is darker. It's not him, is it?  
"Why are you on the roof?" I ask.  
"Relaxing, I guess," he shrugs "what about you?"  
"I...uh...I mean..." I stammer.  
"I mean, I saw what, but why? What's wrong?"  
"My roommate died a few years ago, and it's all my fault" I choke out, willing myself not to break down in front of this handsome stranger.  
"I know how you feel. My brother died four years ago too. But please don't feel like it's your fault, I bet it's not. And don't let it come to this. You shouldn't ever have to drive yourself to this. Do you want to chat?" I shake my head.  
"I don't feel comfortable talking to a stranger"  
"Please, let me talk to you. I need you to know that you must never have to do this. Everyone has something to live for, or will do. You're young, you have years and years ahead to flip everything around on its head, so you come out on too. After my brother died, I was depressed for a whole year before I managed to worm myself away from that lifestyle and allow myself to get out of the house and rebuild my life. I'm sure you can do the same!" I didn't want to do this, but it's too late. I've broken down, ugly sobs escaping my mouth, as it has done already a lot. I've collapsed to the ground at this strangers feet, crying pathetically into my hands. He rubs soothing circles into my back, kneeling down beside me.  
"My brother-" he starts, "he was a nice guy. He was young, he was in love, he committed suicide before it had a chance to get better. You still have that chance. The world is a big place, with lots of people. People who care about you, who wouldn't want you to drive yourself to this" my sobs get quieter.  
"He cared. Too much. And it's my fault." I glance up at his face. Tears were forming in his icy blue eyes, which were weirdly familiar.  
"What? What's wrong?" He smiles lightly and shrugs.  
"Nothing, just thinking. May I ask what happened with your roommate? Maybe talking it out will help" I take a deep breath and begun to explain.  
"He was in love with me, I never knew. He'd never told me, and he'd never seemed depressed. He starting getting hate comments on his YouTube videos, just like me, it I thought he just brushed it off, pathetic people saying pathetic things. That's what I always did. Then he started to take his videos way too seriously, meaning that he spent more time inside than with his friends, and soon enough they started ignoring him, and I was his only friend. But he seemed fine, he always seemed so happy, so full of life, and absolutely perfect in every way. But it took his suicide for me to realise this" I break into sobs again, standing back up and taking another step towards the edge, so my feet were dangling off.  
"And that is why I have to go" he stands behind me, his hand on my shoulder.  
"If you do it, you'll regret it. Never seeing your friends or family again, never being able to let go. If you go now, you'll always have the memory of him with you. The last thing you thought about would be him. You don't want that, do you? And your family, they would be devastated. Do you want your family to be upset about their son? And what about friends? Wouldn't they care? You mentioned something about YouTube videos, wouldn't your subscribers be upset? See how many people care. I care, too. You may have been slightly to blame for his suicide, but it definitely wasn't your fault. You didn't know how he was feeling. So don't beat yourself up about it. I'm not blaming you, neither should you. So come on, step away from the edge. Please?" I nod and spin round on the ball of my foot. I place my foot forward, but it slips on a piece of ice and I fall backwards. It's too late. The wind is pushing up on my back but gravity is winning this fight. The full force of the wind is setting me into a daze. I feel like I'm flying, downwards and downwards until- nothing. Everything is dark. I see a ghostly figure, floating towards me. My breathing hitches. It's him.  
"I'm glad you finally joined me" his hushed voice whispers in my ear. His dark hair tickles my neck, and I can't help but smile. His already pale skin was transparent and glowing, and I look down to see that my own is doing the same. Finally, I did it. It's finally over, and I'm back where I should be. With him. I open my mouth, and let the 6 words out that I've been dying to say for four years (no pun intended) :  
"Good to see you again, Phil"

**Hope you enjoyed this sad little one shot! Don't forget to review it, that would be rad! Love you all, follow me on twitter: GeorgieDanosaur**

**love always **

**~Georgie'xo~**


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